Cardiff Cavaliers Cricket Club

Records & milestones: my part in their downfall by Spike Milligan (aka The Dog Whispering Oracle)

It wasn't until I saw the club records and year-by-year milestones that it struck me what an important role I had played in them ... just as Arkwright and Granville duelled with the man-eating till in Open All Hours, Morecambe wouldn't have been half the man without Wise, and Roy Rogers had his Trigger so there was a role for me as follows:

2003: our victorious Cup run

-         this Cup tie against Sevenoaks also featured a never-been-seen-before bowl out as the scores were tied; only Mark Simpson of the 22 players was able to hit the wicket

I was 12th man that night and so I quickly had to take charge at the end of the match proper and devise on the spot a bowl out and get it underway while it was still light. Had this been left to the captains, they might still have been debating the respective merits of different methods long after closing time.

-    238-2 v Cynon Valley Wanders at Aberdare 12-7-03 - our 4th highest team score (which also saw a record 3rd wicket partnership between Warwick and Andrew Steadman and included an unbeaten century for Warwick)

However, none of these things might have happened had it not been for me and Wayne "I didn't join this club to win trophies" Childs. We lost Nick early and I joined Wazza. After marking my "Middle, please" guard I then wondered why the opposition weren't ready as only 2 men were in my sight, one of them the bowler. I followed the line of Wazza's eyes to look behind me to espy the keeper, 5 slips, 2 gullies and a leg slip. Clearly they hadn't seen me play - or perhaps they had! However, as the game progressed the field spread somewhat and I played a no-ball backward of square and was comfortably running my bat in for the second when the keeper finally got round to breaking the stumps somewhat needlessly and appealed. "Not out" declared Wayne at square leg. "Howzat" roared the keeper again. "Not out" iterated Wayne. "But he can be run out off a no-ball" declared the keeper, disregarding the fact that I'd run my bat in and made my ground. "Oh" said Wayne, then in a contemplative fashion that the venerable Bede would've deemed worthy of more spiritual matters, "it was a no-ball wasn't it. Must've been out then as you're so persistent." Much to my chagrin, I had to leave the field of play which brought Andy to the crease and the rest, as they say, is history. This was the first of many Child-ish dismissals I suffered and every time he'd seek me out before I could lay hands on him and say, disarmingly, "You know, Jez, I think I might have got something wrong there." For one who found it difficult to judge the trajectory of a ball going way down leg side at the most optimistic and ambitious appeal of a bowler, it's quite a revelation that Wayne is now making his way up the rugby reffing ladder cos he can tell what's going on in the ruck, maul and scrum ...

2004

-         Dominic Dwyer sets record (still stands) for the most runs in a single innings smashing 163 not out v Highways Hurricanes at Llandaff Oval on 29 June

Grizz had appointed me to open with Dom and we quickly rattled up 80-odd for the 1st wicket (of which I contributed a magnificent 12) and a few records looked on the cards until the Aussie called for a suicidal single that would've seen him out by a mile. However, not being known as the Oracle for nothing, I realised that if I moved sharply I'd be the one whose ground was 'put down' and so sacrificed my wicket in the cause. Obviously feeling guilty, Dom decided to stay out there ...

Tour to Torquay. Ivybridge 170 (39.3 ovs) (Boardman 3-16, Armstrong 2-15). Cavaliers 172-4 (33.5 ovs) (Steadman 51no, Hutchings 47). Won by 6 wickets

    Yet again invited to open proceedings with Nick after a hearty tea the pitch was very oddly shaped with a short boundary on one side and a humongous swathe of countryside on the other. So much depth and space was there that we completed an all run 5 that didn't feature an ovethrow. It was on attempting to repeat the feat that I was run out, narrowly, going for the 5th for the second occasion which brought Steaders to the wicket. On seeing how easy it was that even Jeremy could make runs, Steaders decided the wicket suited him and led us to our victory that set the tour off in great vein.

2005

-         take on inaugural Chairmanship of the Willow League

I know cos I was that soldier, um, I mean Chairman ...

2006

-         Warwick Armstrong sets a new club record for the most runs scored in a season with 671

Just as with Mr Dwyer, I was called upon to open with Wazza and in almost a re-run of 2004 I had to sacrifice myself in the cause and, again, was not to be disappointed as Warwick was a veritable run machine once he got in.

****

Since these days, the weight of high office has affected my ability to influence matters on the pitch but having passed on the seals of secretaryship to young Ross I hope to rekindle my efforts in the coming season and reprise my walk on (but more often it seems, walk off) role in Cavalier milestones.

Jeremy Oracle & Dog Whisperer Sparkes

Club Secretary for 2005, 2006 and 2007 season

Player 2003 to date